Hosted by Jodi Hildebrandt.
Most of us probably wouldn’t classify anger & enmity (opposition / hostility) as a gift or as a connecting strategy. However, anger is INCREDIBLY important! When you disconnect, you go numb, and your energy and power to defend, fight for, advocate for, and defend yourself, your family, your children—is GONE! You have a responsibility to 1) reconnect with your God-given gift of anger, and 2) use it wisely and responsibly, to protect, defend and boundary—and NOT to harm or destroy.
This podcast is a call for all of us to wake up, connect with ALL of our emotions, and thus embody the wisdom, power and Truth that is our privilege as humans—in order to fulfill our responsibilities, stand up for Truth, stand against evil, and develop real love, as parents, teachers, mentors, friends, husbands, wives, brothers and sisters in the human family.
PDF Version: Episode 89: The Connecting Power of Enmity (Anger)
Episode 89: The Connecting Gift of Enmity (Anger)
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Good morning and welcome to ConneXions Classroom Podcast. It’s October 15th, 2016. I am Jodi Hildebrandt.
We are going to be talking about the principle and the characteristics of a very important word and also emotion, and that is the emotion of anger. Anger.
All of us that are willing to experience anger know how fiery anger can be. And those of us who are not as willing to experience, we still do. There’s actually no way to not experience the emotion of anger because it is an emotion that is a part of the human experience. And for some of us, we might say that it’s wrong, or it’s bad, or I don’t feel it, or I’ve suppressed it. And that all might be true. However, the Truth is that you feel angry. You do feel the emotion of anger. And it is not a “bad” or “inappropriate” emotion.
Now, it is the Truth that people have used anger in very horrific ways and that does not mean the raw emotion of anger has been the culprit for why people have chosen to behave it in such monstrous and horrendous manners.
So, specifically around the emotion of anger, I want to talk about the word enmity. Enmity means: an active and typically mutual hatred or ill will. Or another definition is, a state of being actively opposed or hostile towards someone or something.
In the Bible, since many people who listen to these podcasts are connoisseurs of the Bible, the Bible in Genesis 3:15, says, “I will put enmity between thee—” And he was talking about the serpent. “Between thee and the woman. Between thy seed and her seed.”
So, God was talking to the serpent and he said, “I will place anger and hostility, and opposition, and hatred between you, the serpent, and the seed—the posterity—of Mother Eve.” It’s like, wow that is so interesting.
In the Bible, in Romans 8:7, it says, “The carnal mind is enmity with God.” So, carnal means the physical, the sexual wants and desires, the appetites, the passions of the body. So, all those behaviors of the carnal nature of us is at enmity with God.
So, if you are really focused on just yourself and the pleasures of the body, then what this is suggesting is that you will be in an oppositional state with God, that you will be acting out in hatred towards God.
[00:06:47] Synonyms of Enmity
Here are synonyms of enmity. It’s kind of a difficult word to say. I have to keep thinking about how to pronounce it, it’s spelled E-N-M-I-T-Y.
Here are synonyms: hostility, animosity, rancor, ill will, bitterness, aversion, resentment, friction, loathing, bad blood, animus, mutual hatred, antipathy.
This podcast has been requested by many people in trying to understand what is the nature or emotion of anger—what its function is. Because a lot of people have been raised and had really horrible experiences with someone else’s anger coming towards them.
And I want to again state that the emotion of anger is not the issue. People have chosen to behave in horrific ways and justified it because of the emotion of anger. And, the emotion is just neutral, it is not personal. It is not the thing that made someone behave in these atrocious ways. And so you’ve got to separate that or you’ll cut off this very important emotion of anger and enmity, that you absolutely need to be able to distinguish between two oppositional forces of right or wrong, good or evil, and ultimately connection versus distortion from self, others, and ultimately your maker, God.
So, people have asked for me to record this podcast and maybe some of you are saying, what’s up with that? Why is she recording a podcast on enmity? And maybe some of you who are listening are curious about the word, enmity, and what it means. Maybe some of you are interested in how the concept can be or has been used in our vernacular. It’s not a well-used word—it’s not something that you hear very often; at least I don’t hear it in my circles.
And maybe some of you are wondering why I’d be recording a podcast on a word that is synonymous with hostility, or hatred, or animosity, or bitterness. Well, here’s why: in my therapeutic practice, I have met with thousands of people and I’ve heard thousands of stories. And so, I have been on the front rows of people’s relationships, so I’ve been inside their relationships. And I’m becoming increasingly concerned for the amount of disconnect or numbness that I’m noticing inside these relationships, and thus inside of us as individuals.
There is this plague of disconnect going on in our world and the evidence that we as a people are becoming increasingly more disconnected and numb is manifesting in this presentation of addictions—every type of addiction is the evidence of the disconnect. Teen suicides: there have been a rash of teen suicides where we live in the world. More young adults aren’t able to launch into the world, rather they’re bunking up with their parents in their homes, in their basements, they’re crashing on friends’ couches, and a myriad of other outcomes because they don’t have the skill-sets to become adults in the world for many different reasons. And these many different reasons are all signs of this disconnection.
There is a rash of divorce, human trafficking of women and children, prostitution, personal, governmental, and familial entitlements, violence, abuse, child and elderly abuse, murders, rapes, assaults, kidnapping, child prostitution, marketing and selling of human body parts, embezzlement, neglect, body mutilation, signs of self-harm like becoming obese or having a rage problem.
A myriad of self-harming behaviors, adultery, theft, bombings, burglaries and on and on and on. Every thought and action that is not considerate of compassion, considerate of validation, vulnerability; every thought and action that’s not considerate of being honest and personally responsible, and living in humility towards yourself and others is a choice into the thoughts and behaviors towards disconnection. And unfortunately, inside that disconnection, you will become increasingly numb. Numb—you won’t feel.
So, that’s a bold statement, and I challenge you to pay attention to your thoughts and behaviors and see if what I propose is not the Truth. There’s only two directions to choose, connection or disconnection.
[00:12:34] What is Connection?
Let me define what both of those words mean and how they are manifesting in ourselves and in our relationships. So, let’s start with connection. What does connection mean?
Connection is the act of bringing two things into contact. Connection is an outcome: an outcome of living and choosing principles that support it. Principles such as being willing to choose to be honest in all of your feelings, your words, and your actions. Being willing to choose to be accountable for your choices, and the consequences, and the outcomes that are created from your choices. And being willing to stay open, and humble, transparent, being willing to listen and learn as you experience life and meet people and challenges. Meet obstacles as you become aware and familiar with your vulnerability. And vulnerability remember, is a 24/7 state of realizing you live in a state of being out of control. and you need to surrender to the very human condition that most of us don’t want to surrender to. Practice validating and expressing compassion towards self and others. Be willing to repent and feel remorse, sorrow, appropriate guilt for the offenses that you’ve committed, in order to make them right.
I want to stop and tell a story here. So, I’m giving all sorts of characteristics of what connection looks like and you’re probably going to want to rewind this and listen to it again because there are many, many characteristics that forge the ability to connect. Connection is something that you cannot go purchase, you can’t coerce, or control, or dominate, or demand to have.
You have to live principles, you have to live them. Not just think about them but you have to live them. And inside the animation of those principles, you will experience the outcome of connection.
I want to tell a story about a little girl. She’s probably nine years old and I was talking with her the other day. She was in my office with her brother, and her brother is probably six. She had behaved in a way that was really upsetting to him. He was sitting on the bed and she wanted him off the bed, so she came over and she said, “Get off the bed.” And he goes, “No.”
And so, she decided to get on the bed anyways with him. And she was bouncing around and he was trying to color in his coloring book, and she was bouncing all over the bed, so he started getting angry at her. He started getting angry at her, which seemed really appropriate.
Now, for some people, you might think he shouldn’t have been angry, he should have just gone and either gotten off the bed or told his mother. But he had appropriate anger, he was there, he was coloring and sister came over and said, “Move.”
And he because he’s a separate entity from her and he knows how to advocate for himself at six years old, he said, “No. I don’t want to.” He held a boundary.
And because she had more power than he did, she was what I would say disconnected, she didn’t care about him. She didn’t care about how he was going to be affected, how he was going to feel, how he would maybe react if she continued in this disconnect, she wasn’t thinking about any of that. She was only thinking about herself and what she wanted. That is classic disconnect.
And so, she gets on the bed and starts jumping around because she knew that if she jumped around on the bed, he’d finally get off. And I asked her, “Did you do that so that he would finally move?” She’s like, “Yes.”
So, she starts bouncing around on the bed and finally he gets so upset that he gets ready to get off the bed. And as he’s getting off the bed, she helps him along and kicks him with her feet, pushes him off the bed, and he falls and hits his head on the floor.
So, now he’s sad, now he’s hurt, now he feels pain, and he’s also ticked, he’s angry. Now, I want you to think about is that appropriate enmity? Would that be appropriate for him to have anger towards his sister and the behavior of his sister? I would say unequivocally, yes.
We’re going to learn a little bit more on this podcast about what appropriate enmity is and how to wield it and how to use it. So, he didn’t want to harm her, he just wanted her to stop being so aggressive towards him. And so, in order for her to be able to realize how upset he was, he needed to show forth some anger or she’d never get it.
So, if she kicks him off the bed and he’s like, “Okay, I’ll leave.” And he walks off, then she never gets that what she did was wrong. So, the ability to experience anger/enmity (and I understand that there’s a whole spectrum of anger and enmities on one end of the spectrum but I just want to keep using this word because it’s the word that we’re talking about today)—
If he wasn’t able to feel that, then she would not be able to really understand the inappropriate and wrongness of her choice to hurt him, to invade on his space.
So, being able to access anger and enmity is good for both parties if the person who feels the emotion of the anger uses it in wisdom and uses it not to harm, rather to teach. I want you to think about that.
Here are some more characteristics of connection. Be willing, if appropriate, to go to the one (even when it’s you, like maybe you’ve offended yourself) with whom you’ve offended and affected, or hurt or injured, and allow them to share how they’ve been impacted, how they’ve been influenced by you, so that you can feel and you can empathize with how your behavior has affected them and touched them.
As you do that, it will invite you into deeper commitment to connect. It will invite you to make restitution. It will invite you to have this feeling that I need to make reparations for what I’ve done and I will be willing, I’ll be open to do that. I’ll be open to forgive. I’ll be open to forgive myself for the personal mistakes I’ve made and transgressions. And forgive others for their mistakes and trespasses against me.
So, when I say that, these characteristics are all about outcomes of connecting. So, when you forgive someone for mistakes that they’ve made, you’re not saying that what they did was okay; you’re not enabling inappropriate behavior. This is about holding boundaries and surrendering what you can’t control and offering compassion and charity to those who you have sincerely affected. And being sincere and interested in changing your behavior. You want to make what was wrong, right.
So, if I did something that was hurtful, or disappointing, or painful, I want to make it right.
So, as I choose to live in honesty and being responsible, and have humility, and compassion, and vulnerability, and validation, and I live the principles of repentance and charity, and I’m open, and I’m generous, and sincere, and I surrender, and I give forgiveness when asked for. And maybe it’s not even asked for, maybe I give forgiveness because I can tell that I’m just angry and I want to hold a grudge.
When I do that, the outcomes of those choices—to choose those characteristics—will be connection.
[00:21:29] Knowing When You’re in Connection
So, how do you know when you’re in connection? How do you know when you actually are connected? Here are some indicators.
You will experience a calmness, you’ll be calm inside. You’ll have an understanding of yourself and others, and people’s motives, and your own motives. You’ll just feel a little bit more aware of why you do the things you do and why others are doing the things they’re doing. Or maybe you’ll be aware in that you’ll be invited to go ask them why they do the things they do.
You’ll feel validated, validated from yourself, maybe you’ll feel validated from somebody else, you’ll feel understood and known, and you’ll be able to relax. You’ll be at one with yourself. You could also feel at one with another person, or the universe, or nature. You experience compassion and your mind is centered and at peace.
You feel safety in yourself, and with others, and in your environment. You experience trust and confidence in your abilities, your skills and the rights that you have as a human being. You’re boundaried. And you feel and know that you can advocate for yourself.
Connection is a highly sought-after position to acquire and most people have no clue, no idea how to attain it. Or even that true connection is based on these types of principles that I just previously shared. Many people believe they have reached connection through a co-dependent angle. Now, if you don’t know what co-dependency is, listen to some other podcasts I’ve done because I give great clarity about what co-dependency is.
Co-dependency is the counterfeit to connection. It is an imposter. Many people feel that they’ve reached connection through a co-dependent angle, which is not possible because co-dependency and drama are all about control and controlling self or another. It’s about disconnection. It’s a violator of connection, co-dependency is. But co-dependency is a highly chemically charged experience and so it feels connecting, it feels connecting. But again, feeling something doesn’t mean you are what the thing is.
Just because I feel sad doesn’t mean that things that are going on around me are responsible for why I feel sad. Maybe I’m misinterpreting something. Maybe somebody didn’t invite me to a dinner invitation and I feel sad. But the Truth is, is that they didn’t want me there, and so there really is no reason for me to be sad unless I take it personal. They weren’t being mean to me, they just wanted to go spend time with another friend and that’s what they wanted; they didn’t want three people there, they only wanted two. So, there’s no reason for me to be sad about that. I mean, I could choose to be sad, but just because I feel an emotion doesn’t mean that the Reality is that things are the way my emotion directs me.
But co-dependency is a highly chemically charged experience and so it feels connecting because my neuro chemistry is active and releasing all sorts of “feel good” chemicals. Yet the evidence that connection is not present is that once the chemicals wear off, I’m right back where I was before. I’m back into drama, I’m back into control, I’m back into fear, I’m back into my distorted thoughts, my distractions, my self-neglecting behavior towards myself. I’m back inside the same old relationship which previously felt connected. That’s how you know it’s not genuine, is that you keep going back to drama inside it. Even though you have moments where it feels really connecting, it just is an illusion.
So, there are very, very clear signs of what connection looks like and feels like. There are very clear signs that connection or disconnection is present, if you’re willing to pay attention to the patterns that present themselves.
This isn’t about an occurrence, this is about patterns of behavior. As you see patterns of behavior, you will be able to recognize that these are patterns of connection or they’re patterns of disconnection. You know, you hear therapists talk about cycles, cycles of trauma, cycles of abuse, cycles of fear. Cycles are called patterns.
So, connection has very clear characteristics inside of it. Patterns of connection. You cannot miss them. It’s as obvious as night and day. None of us get confused about night and day. And so, connection and disconnection can be that clear as well if you are willing to learn what the characteristics of connection sound like, and look like, and behave like, and think like, and ultimately feel like. And also realize connection’s counterpart, which is disconnection.
So, be honest with yourself. If you’re willing to be honest, then you’ll know.
So, why is it so important to know what connection is? What is connection based on? And why do we want to live and spend time there? It’s a question. How to recognize it when you’re there.
As you think about that question, I want to go back to the beginning of the podcast, to the term enmity. That’s where this podcast started, is learning about enmity. And somehow, we got off on connection but here’s how they tie in. If we are going to properly understand this word and use our God-given gift of enmity, we must begin from a connected position, a centered space, so we can see clearly what is being presented to us.
So, all of us feel anger. Some of us are more willing to feel the passion of anger, the intensity of anger than others. But we all feel it. And so, when you feel anger and it reaches a point where you feel enmity, it’s very important—it is of the utmost importance—that you are centered and you are connected before you act out, before you act on your anger/enmity, because by giving yourself permission to say, “Well I have enmity towards this person or this thing and so I’m justified in doing whatever I want” is not what this podcast is about. It is not.
This is about you learning how to be wise, you learning how to be connected, so that when you feel this intense emotion, you are using it, you are activating it, you are engaged it in, in Truth.
So, when we respond with enmity, we are not going to react to something or someone from a position of emotional reactivity. There is a very important place for enmity in our lives. When we are connected, you, we, can see and feel the disconnect around us. And you can experience the massive amounts of aggressions and violence—physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual aggression and violence around us. And as you experience that, you need to be able to feel the intense emotion and challenge of managing this enmity.
So, one way to do that is by feeling this emotion. Feeling the emotion and just sitting in it. You can feel the emotion. So, it’s like when I think about child abuse, I feel very intense enmity towards the horrendous amounts of violence that’s out in the world. I feel enmity towards violence that’s on TV or other various forms of media coming right at me, coming at my children, coming at my grandchildren. Feeling enmity can be a form of protection as to keep you aware, and awake, and present to what is near and how to keep you and your family and your loved ones safe.
Enmity calls for your attention. So, you can’t be numb, you can’t be disconnected. When you enter disconnection, numbness sets in and your energy to boundary, and to defend, and to protect, and to appropriately fight, and advocate for yourself, for your family, for children is gone. The energy that once was present with connection and realizing that there’s a problem, and the problem and issue needs to be addressed head-on, it’s gone.
Disconnection numbs you, so you cannot feel that. And so, your ability to wisely use this emotion in its correct and intended fashion is gone, you can’t do it, because now when you feel anger, it’s all about self-righteous anger. It’s all about selfish anger. It’s all about entitled anger. It’s about how dare you do that to me, I’m going to retaliate anger. And that is not what I’m suggesting.
What I’m suggesting is that you become a soul that is strong enough, that is wise enough, that when you recognize a situation where something or someone is presenting something that could harm the human family—like some kind of violence or abuse, or self-denigrating behaviors—that the emotion of anger/enmity is being used inside you in a very deliberate and intentional manner. That when you begin to act on that emotion, that your goal is not to harm them. Your goal is to invite them to come out of that disconnected, aggressive behavior towards themselves or towards others. And invite them to once again come back into connection where you are or where others are.
That’s the whole point of having appropriate enmity. Now, some people will just say, “No, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to come back into connection, I want to keep doing what I’m doing. I like what I’m doing.” And if that’s the case, there really isn’t anything you can do about that as far as making them come, but you absolutely get to denounce that what they’re doing is harming themselves and harming another individual.
[00:34:05] Living A Connected Life With Appropriate Enmity
So, let’s look at some examples of the power of a life that’s connected, and therefore activates appropriate, centered enmity in their lives. So, these next five, six, seven examples are examples of someone who’s connected who then experiences something, and they feel appropriate anger/enmity and then they respond to it in wisdom.
Remember, enmity means the state of being actively opposed or hostile towards someone or something else. And when I use the word hostile, hostile doesn’t mean that necessary you’re going to fight them and you’re going to be aggressive. Hostile just means that you have a very strong opposition to what they’re doing.
So, some of these words around anger have been used in only one sense, but you can have hostility towards something and absolutely hold that in wisdom and in Truth.
So, another definition is strong aversion towards something. That’s what enmity is.
- Jenny feels enmity towards the man who sexually assaulted her, and she also knows of multiple victims that he’s also assaulted, and she discovers that he’s spent the last decade eluding law enforcement. That’s appropriate enmity. That’s an appropriate emotion.
- Seeing the murders of innocent men, women, and children on the news incites enmity in my soul. Listening to the 10 o’clock news and seeing that people are being innocently killed for no other reason than someone is angry. That’s appropriate enmity inside my soul.
- I have enmity between me and you because you are willing to, and have been for years, prostituting naïve, unaware, young women for money.
- The comments you made at the board meeting earned the enmity of your co-worker. So, fill in the blank. Maybe one of the co-workers lied about the other co-worker. Or maybe they stole their idea. Or maybe they did or said something that caused the boss to get angry at the other co-worker and it really wasn’t the Truth.
- We need to put aside old enmities for the sake of peace. Your arrogance and disregard for others’ feelings triggers enmity in my heart.
- I feel enmity towards my brother as I realize my son’s addiction was forged by my brother’s sexual assault when my son was four years old.
So, there are five or six examples of individuals having experiences where appropriate feelings of enmity are present.
Now, we don’t know how these people behaved. We don’t know how they acted out on that enmity, and for purposes of this podcast, I am only advocating for behaving in Truth, behaving in wisdom when you feel this powerful emotion of enmity, because you need to feel it. You need to feel it. Part of the reason why our world is becoming so disconnected, so much violence. I mean, I hear this from people constantly, like what’s going on in the world? Why is there violence, and suicides, and murders, and all of these horrific behaviors?
Well, because there are not enough of us who are willing to stand up and say, “No, that is wrong.” We have a media that is just filled with violence and sexual content. And it is supporting us and children to disconnect and become numb.
My hope is as you hear these words and these examples, that you can begin to appreciate why enmity is an important emotion to experience. It allows a person to recognize the travesty of morality, the travesty of justice, and innocence. The travesty of all manners of violence, entitlements, hatred, dishonesty, aggression towards self and others.
When someone is disconnected, they become impervious, impenetrable, unaffected, indifferent, immune to these horrors that exist in the human family.
And once someone is numb and doesn’t feel, these manifestations of disconnection being to run rampant in oneself, inside of a family, inside of a marriage, a school, a community, a city and eventually a society.
We all have a responsibility to be and stay connected, stay awake, stay present, protect yourself and those you have charge over. And inside that connection, petition those issues, those causes, those movements that have the potential to mainstream additional disconnect and invite others into destructive behavior patterns. You have a brain and you have a voice, it’s important that you come from a place of connection and share how the disconnect of others, share how the disconnect of society, of family, of friends is and has influenced and affected you and your family.
I get super passionate when I talk about this. This is a call to anyone who is willing to stand for connection, stand for Truth, and be willing to say what the Reality is when you see that something or someone is perpetuating disconnect. This is not about exacting control.
It’s about not empowering, or enabling, or allowing all manners of disconnection to continue and flourish inside yourself, inside your marriage, inside your friendships, inside your churches, inside your classrooms, on your teams. Anywhere that people meet and gather, confront the disconnect, the numbness, as to circumvent additional atrocities, additional cruelty, obscenities, crimes, abuses, and violations. Stop aborting immortal behaviors of all kinds. Your willingness to feel and state your opposition to these horrendous acts of evil will cause the movements of these types of actions to slow, to then stutter, and eventually terminate.
I have a question: are you willing to stand firm, and clear, and connected, and bold, and not tolerate, not permit, not condone, not accept, or stand for, or support any behaviors that involve disconnection, dishonesty, or numbness? That’s my question. Are you willing?
Those distorted, disconnected thought patterns lead nowhere good. They do not lead to Truth and they do not lead to connection.
I have a question. Who is responsible? Whose responsibility is it? If the people who are perpetuating these acts are not awake to the damage and destructive wake that trail behind them, to sound the alarm, blow the trumpet, if they’re not going to do it, who will? This is my invitation. It’s my invitation to you. I hope that you and I—I know I’m on board—will sound that trump when we see it, when we experience it.
Enmity is one way to keep you in the present and it invites you to really acknowledge and know what you’re pushing up against and not tolerate the outcomes of the disconnect.
Enmity, anger, opposition, ill will, hostility, if held in Truth is one of the most powerful forms of energy to enact change and spotlight the thoughts and behaviors of those who are supporting this rampant disconnection.
For example, there have been innumerable movements, petitions, appeals, cause, fundraisers to bring awareness to us as a people and culture about countless acts of disconnect. So, for example, BACA—Bikers Against Child Abuse—is a movement to bring awareness. They feel enmity towards children being abused. Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Mothers feel enmity against people who drive drunk, and so do fathers.
There are numerous movements in our world that are being driven by this emotion of enmity and I’m sure that there are people inside those movements that are not holding the emotion of enmity in Truth, and so they’re acting in ways that are really aggressive. And our responsibility is to be wise and hold our emotion in a responsible place and use that emotion to move us forward, to advocate, to protect, to defend.
12-step groups of all kinds have enmity, enmity against their drug of choice. They have enmity against the destructive nature of addictions that have ensnared and trapped them and so many of their loved ones.
So, the important components, such as consciousness, being clear and direct, having clear motives, free of resentments, clear expectations, willingness to hear another side, skills of vulnerability, skills of validation, being personally honest and accountable, being able to articulate your boundaries and agendas. Those things allow you to wield enmity appropriately.
There is and are appropriate ways to manage strong emotions such as fear, anxiety, anger, joy, love and very inappropriate ways to do that as well. It is imperative that you are aware and conscious of what is motivating you to feel the enmity that you do.
If you are experiencing a desire to control, or make someone, or force your views on someone—only to be open to your side and not another person’s side, only to speak your agenda and shut down anybody else who’s speaking, then you need to stop and back up and reconsider your motives. That is not what I’m advocating for.
This podcast is an invitation for us to see and understand my relationship with anger, be able to understand my relationship with enmity, and see if it’s healthy.
For some people, they feel and believe all anger is bad and evil. Yet, I would invite those people to reconsider that stance. The Truth is, all emotions are given to you by your maker, including anger and there is a very appropriate, healthy God-given right and even obligation for us to assess and access enmity, and use it to call out, to denounce, to condemn, to rebuke, and approve, and reprove, and reproach, and reprimand, and admonish any thoughts, behaviors, movements, ideologies, philosophies, doctrines, dogmas, principles that support disconnected behaviors and mindsets which manifest themselves as any and all dehumanizing, which manifest as selfishness which manifest as arrogance, and abuse, and denigration of self and others.
It manifests as libelous, and slanderous, and defamatory of ethical, spiritual, and moral behaviors. or of the principles of connection.
So, let’s go back to the beginning of the podcast and listen to what characteristics you must have and must live in order to create connection. Connection is an outcome of wielding healthy, appropriate enmity. You’ve been given the ability to feel enmity so you can discern between good and evil. You’ve been given enmity so you can discern between right and wrong. If you cannot discern and discriminate between these two forces, then you will not be able to understand connection versus disconnection. And if that is the case, disconnection will reign supreme and be a permanent fixture in our lives.
Being able to be awake and recognize the distortion and the horrific outcomes that always follow distortion is necessary. And once I recognize the distortion and I identify it, I am then responsible for it. And what that means is, I’m responsible to allow the emotion of enmity, the passion that enmity brings, the passion to protect, to boundary and live in Truth, I want to let that well up inside me and drive my thoughts, my conversations, my interactions, my relationships with myself, my family, my loved ones, my colleagues if appropriate, anyone that is of a like mindedness.
And what that will do is it will create an oppositional force to anything that would harm or injure the human family, specifically harm or injure the innocent, the helpless among us, the children. We are here to protect them, so that they have an opportunity to grow and mature inside of an environment of safety, nurturing, trust and Truth.
Enmity is a sword to call out disconnection and the behaviors that emerge from it. And each of us are ultimately responsible to wield that sword with consciousness, with compassion, with Truth, and with principles that God would support. Enmity is not to be used to disconnect further those people who are engaged in it. It is to be used with wisdom. It is to be used with connection, and Truth, and compassion. It is used for us to be clear about the evils of disconnect and where it invites the human spirit to go.
Enmity is an invitation to invite anyone who is engaged in destructive behaviors and thoughts to stop, to think differently, and choose and enter Truth, and light, and vulnerability—and thus, connection with themselves, with others, and with God.
I’m going to tell a story. Sometime in my life, I lived in an apartment and it was a basement apartment. My landlord came to me out of the blue, even though we had a contract for a year, and said, “You are needing to move. I need you to move within three weeks.”
I was shocked, I was confused, and I was angry. I was angry. And so, as I thought about this, I looked at my contract and we had agreed to a contract. And I realized that this person I was interacting with, it felt like she was being emotionally charged, like she felt like she needed to help her other friend out and so she needed to have me move in order for her to be able to help her friend.
And so, even though I had a contract, I had this thought of, I don’t want to stay where I’m not welcome. And so, by law I could have stayed and at the same time, I felt that it was appropriate to not stay if she was going to insist that I move.
So, after a couple of days of thinking about this and feeling angry, I used that anger appropriately, I would say, and I wrote her a letter. And I said, I’ve enjoyed living here and I’ve appreciated the experiences that I’ve had while I’ve been here and the safety. And I am upset. I am confused. And I explained all the reasons I was upset and how it took me off guard and I felt shocked, and I have been upset because I have spent a lot of emotional energy thinking about this and worrying about this, and wondering how am I going to move and where am I going to go? Am I going to be able to afford another apartment of equal value?
And I shared with her all of that. And I did not hold back sharing my upset. And so, that would be an appropriate use of enmity. But I didn’t blame her, I didn’t attack her, I wasn’t aggressive towards her. I just said, here is what I thought and what I felt. And here is what I know to be the Truth, we have an agreement, you and I have talked many times, and you are breaching and breaking that agreement. And I am upset about that.
And I’m upset that you are not a woman of honor, that you are willing to breach a contract and it doesn’t seem to even bother you. And that is upsetting to me. I was very clear with her.
And I sent her the letter. A day later, she contacts me, and bless her heart, she was very humble. And she started off by saying I am so sorry, you are right, I did make an agreement with you. It was even a written agreement. But verbally, I made an agreement with you and I know what we agreed to and so do you. And I am so grateful that you reminded me about that agreement. And I want to be a woman of respect and honor, and I want you to know that I do respect my contract and I will follow through.
And then, she explained how she got into the situation she was in, she had a friend that was getting divorced and she was trying to help her out. And in the energy of all that, she didn’t think about how it would affect me and she said, I’ll kick her out. But after she received my letter and she read all of the emotional honesty that I shared with her—I wasn’t attacking, I just told her the Truth. I said I am very upset and I have spent a lot of time emotionally thinking about this and feeling this. And I’m upset about that too, I don’t have time to do this. And I don’t have time to find another place to live with school, and work, and my other responsibilities. I’m really mad. And I will move.
And so, as she read all that, it was an invitation to come back into honesty for her. It was an invitation for her to come back into the Truth. And I did not expect that, I was ready for her to say, “So what, who cares, this is my house, I can do what I want with it, get out.” I was ready for her to say that.
In my being prepared for her to respond that way, I wanted to make sure that I was super clear, so that as I moved out, she was not confused about how I felt about her lack of follow-through with her commitments. It was very disappointing.
So, when she came back and told me that she was sorry and she apologized and apologized and thanked me numerous times, thanked me for reminding her and helping her remember—those are the words she used—because she wants to be a woman of honor. She said that several times.
So, that is an example of having someone show up in a disconnected, dishonest, rather aggressive posture, and using anger/enmity to invite them back into seeing the Truth.
Another example in my life was when I was on the lake with my boat. I was out on the lake with my family and my girlfriend’s family. She had four children, I had two. Her husband was there with us, and then I had a bunch of my son’s friends with us as well, so there were probably 10 dependents—10 children—on the boat as well as three adults.
I was driving along and I started slowing down because it appeared that there was a no wake zone up ahead and so I slowed down to maybe 15 mph, and as I crossed the no wake zone, all of a sudden, we hit something, like a rock or something.
And my engine was sheared off the back of my boat. The boat started taking on water, so it popped a hole in the bottom of the boat and we began sinking.
And so, you can imagine, it was dusk and the boat just stopped. I was pulling some children behind us and so they were on the tube and they’re like, “Hey, what happened?” I said, “We hit something big.”
I didn’t know the engine was gone but the boat won’t start and we’re taking on water. And so, hit the bilge and started pumping the water out to keep the boat from sinking. Long story short, somebody came to help us and we pulled the boat back in to shore and got it up on the trailer and saw that the outdrive was totally gone. It had been sheared completely off the boat and was in the bottom of the lake someplace.
So, to fast-forward the story, I found out that there was a pipe that had been left from a company that had been there for about 10 years. And they had put buoys on top of the pipe that said “DANGER.” But the buoys were the exact type of buoys that would indicate that there’s a no wake zone. So, from a distance, you couldn’t see the word, DANGER on the buoys, you just saw the colors of them which are the same colors of a no wake zone buoy. Because I couldn’t see the word danger until we actually crossed over the pipe, my friend looked over and said, “Jodi, that said danger.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I see that now.”
Anyways, I called the company, the company was out of business. I called the Parks & Recreational Center, and they just said, “Sorry, your bad. That pipe’s been there for 10 years. It’s marked and we’re not doing anything about it.”
Well, as you can imagine, I felt a lot of anger. One, because of the danger of that pipe being left in the lake, and two, the amount of money that it was going to cost to get my boat fixed.
As time went along, they refused to compensate me at all for any of it. And as time went along, I felt more anger around the danger of that pipe being in the lake. And I would say that I felt appropriate enmity towards the state that I live in, that they are willing to leave that pipe in the lake for other people to run across it. It was only a foot under the water. There was no way that someone could have crossed over that imaginary line where the pipe was, and not shear their outdrive off their boat. And because the lake was so low, there was just no way to not hit it.
And so, they have left that pipe in the lake and I warn everybody I know who has a boat, there’s a pipe in the lake and here’s where it is, don’t go near it. It has these buoys on it that look like a no wake zone but really, they’re buoys that say danger, but you can’t see the sign until you actually get a foot away from it, and by then, it’s too late.
And so, I feel enmity. When I think about going boating on that lake, I feel enmity towards the state for not being willing to do what’s necessary to protect other families, other individuals who own boats, so that they won’t hurt their boat but more importantly, if we would have been going at any speed at all, we all would have been ejected out of that boat. It’s an intersection that is waiting for accidents to happen.
Now, I am not aware of anybody else having hit that pipe, but I know I’m not the only one that’s done it. And so, that would be an example an appropriate experience where enmity would be felt. And I still have it. I still feel it. I’ve done everything that I know how to do to protect, and to warn, and to defend other human life, so that nobody else gets harmed. And I’m very aware that there are thousands of other people who are at risk and at danger of hitting that thing.
So, my invitation to you is don’t be afraid of anger. Don’t be afraid of it. Anger can be used to invite others or yourself back into Reality, back into Truth, back into connection if you will use it for healing purposes.
Thank you for joining me today and stay connected. Bye bye.
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