Episode 92: Motive, Emotion & Connection

Episode 92: Motive, Emotion & Connection

Hosted by Jodi Hildebrandt.

What drives you?  What gets you out of bed in the morning?  What is behind the choices you make during the day? What do you do when you feel strong emotion?  Do you bury it?  Shut it down?  Express it?  Blame others with it?  How emotionally connected are you?  Are you aware of your motives?  Do you know what you’re feeling?

Many, many of us are detached (disconnected) from the power of our emotions, and thus, we do not have access to our motives—we are unaware of them!  In this podcast, Jodi explains how to reconnect with yourself (your emotions) in a way that is honest, responsible, and humble—and thus begin filling yourself with emotional wisdom and awareness of your motives!

 

Full Transcript

PDF Version: Episode 92 Transcript: Motive, Emotion & Connection

Episode 92: Motive, Emotion & Connection

Welcome to ConneXions Classroom Podcast. We are so excited to introduce to you the opportunity for you to join us in a classroom setting where you will be taught the principles of connection. For those of you who have already joined us on the podcasts, and for those for you who have not, you are now ready to step into an extensive, hands-on, all-star classroom experience to better understand why you are experiencing and interpreting life the way that you do.

You will be introduced to the foundational principles of personal integrity, which are: how to live impeccable honesty, rigorous personal responsibility, humility, vulnerability, openness, willingness, transparency, and boundaries.

This is a 12-week intensive course that consists of meeting one time a week for two hours. You will be given six workbooks. In each workbook, instruction will be given to you on core concepts of how to live your life from a position of emotional honesty, Reality, Truth, boundaries, validation, being able to recognize your distortions, and how choice plays a central role in all of your experiences and emotional outcomes.

Some of the concepts covered inside of the classroom include: what validation and vulnerability are and how to animate those principles your life; how to live in Truth rather than distortion; how to recognize your distraction and your controlling behavior in your relationships; and how to live a life of peace rather than pain. Powerful concepts that change lives, beginning with yours.

Hundreds of people have participated already, and have drastically transformed their lives by living and being in Truthful, emotionally honest relationships. They report experiences of personal empowerment and emotional and mental sophistication being introduced into their relationships.

So, now it’s your turn to come and participate. This classroom experience will change the way you interact with yourself and others in powerful ways, giving you the tools and emotional sophistication to connect deeply inside yourself and invite other in your life to do the same.

Come and experience connection. Go to www.connexionsclassroom.com, and hit the “Go to Academy” button and sign up. I look forward to meeting you and connecting.

[00:02:47]

Hello and welcome to ConneXions Classroom. I’m Jodi Hildebrandt. It’s November 20th, 2016 and I am happy that you’re with me. I want to talk today about the power of motive. And specifically, I’d like to really look at this topic of motive and ask you some questions about your awareness around what your motives are. Or what at any given point, your motive is.

How aware and how awake are you, to what is motivating you? What is behind your eyes, like what is in your unconscious? What your intentions are. What do you have “strings” attached to? Because everything that you think, and do, and feel—and therefore have outcomes around—are being driven by your motives.

And so, when you think about it, there are six or seven billion people on the planet—and every single person who has ever lived or who will ever live has had these motives driving their behavior. So, we have millions of books of stories, and histories, and autobiographies, and all of this information that we have written down in these millions and millions (and probably billions) of books, are all being driven by particular motives.

I know for me, as I started creating this classroom, my motives, though I wasn’t aware of them at the time—not all of them anyways, I knew some of them—my motives were operating in the background and I was very unconscious of them. I’m more aware of them now because I’m willing to ask myself those kinds of questions and get curious about why it is that I work the way that I work, and why it is that I work with the people that I work with, and what is the payoff for me? And what is it that I’m offering other people? And what drives me? And do I have any strings attached to what’s driving me? And if so, do I know what they are and am I willing to be very deliberate around those agendas or those indicators that say, when I do this, I’m going to expect that such and such or so and so is going to show up in a particular way. As long as I’m in Truth around that, it’s totally fine to have those kinds of expectations, just knowing that I’m responsible for my motives, and the outcomes of those motives, and it’s not appropriate to expect that someone else is going to meet my motives/expectations or my intentions. Those are all being driven by me and I am responsible for those outcomes.

So, the danger around having motives that you’re unaware of is that you have these expectations, and you show up in a particular way, and then the expectation doesn’t happen, and that’s when it can become unpleasant, like I can have sadness, or disappointment, or anger, or grief, or loss, or this feeling of dread.

For example, let’s say I have a motive of meeting my friend for dinner and she says she’s going to be there and I get there to the dinner and she never shows up. And so, my motive is to see my friend, I miss my friend, I want to spend time with my friend. And so, I could choose to either react in that situation and go into a place of distortion, and blame her, and get reactionary around her wasting my time, feeling rather entitled to ball her out or lecture her for not showing up. And/or I could stay in Truth and get curious about “Huh, I wonder why she’s not here, maybe I need to call her or text her and make sure that we communicated accurately and correctly.”

So, there’s always—every second of the day—something in your mind—called your motives—are operating either inside or outside your consciousness. And so, I wanted to do a podcast on the power of this energy called motive, and invite all of us to become more conscientious, more awake, more aware about what it is that is driving all of us at any given time during the day.

[8:05] Questions: Time & Motives

So, all of us are on this planet, and we’re moving around, and we’re doing things – we’re doing things, we get up and we do things, we say things, and we have “things” to take care of, and accomplish, and things to create, and things to secure, and things to conquer, and things to become, things to understand, things to have compassion for, and dominate, things to be right about, and know more than another person about, things to model, and things to learn to follow.

We all use our time to engage in . We use this precious commodity of time, this 24 hours that all of us have the same amount of. And we spend our time doing just a myriad of things, like making money, making friends, watching screens, creating relationships, working, playing. Some of us spend our time hiding, and laughing, and serving, and helping others, and hiding secrets, and believing that I am better or I’m less than somebody else. We spend our time creating intimacy, being connected, or being compassionate. We spend our time being vulnerable, working out, telling stories, connecting or disconnecting, building dreams and making those dreams comes true, thinking. We spend time fantasizing, and crying, and planning, and plotting, and giving, and feeding ourselves, and feeding others, and cleaning, and just on and on and on. I would encourage you to take that question and say “What do I spend my time engaging in?” so you know. Because behind those activities are motives. Take a moment to think about the way you occupy your time—what’s driving you to occupy your time the way that you do?

So, what are you doing with your time? What are the thoughts that move through you when you engage in these kinds of behaviors? Like, I’m using my time to plan and so what do I think about the plan that I’m making? And what do those thoughts mean? So, what do those thoughts mean to you and what do they perhaps mean to another person, somebody that you’re close to?

So, these are very provocative questions because they invite us to come into our motives. Our motives.

[10:45] The Purpose & Meaning of Emotion

So, I want you just to think about that for a minute and I now want to move to this next part of the way that we process. So, the first thing that happens is that we engage in an activity or we have an activity that we are engaging in, and we have thoughts around it. And then, those thoughts will elicit emotions. The thoughts that you will have always invite emotion to attach to them. And emotion is neither good nor bad, it’s just an emotion. Emotion can be pleasant or unpleasant, it can be poignant or dull, emotion can be intense or mediocre but it is not right or wrong, or bad or good.

An emotion by itself doesn’t tell The Truth of the experience you’re having. It’s true you’re having emotion and it can be intense and it can be poignant. However, it does not by itself tell you The Truth. You have to have thoughts that are based in fact or based in objectivity. And your emotion attaches to those thoughts in order to know what the Truth is.

So, thoughts, perceptions, meanings is what connects or disconnects. An emotion is only along for the ride—that’s it. Your thoughts, and your perceptions, and your meaning is what is going to either connect you because you’ll go into Truth, or what will disconnect you because you’ll go into distortion. And emotion is just there to reinforce whether you choose to think thoughts in Truth or you choose to think thoughts in distortion.

So, because emotion is so powerful, it really draws your attention to what it is that you’re thinking, right? However, many of us instead of getting curious about what we think, we only look at the emotion or feel the emotion, and because the emotion is so strong, we immediately say well, this must be wrong because the “emotion is bad”, the emotion is unpleasant, the emotion is scary, the emotion is not what I wanted. And so, it must be in distortion and that would be poor thinking.

That would not be a wise next thought because what you’re saying is, I’m only going to look at this experience through the lens of emotion and according to the emotion that I have, whether I agree with it or not, I’m going to say whether the experience is in distortion or Truth. So, that would be rather immature of you or of me to do that because we’re not creatures that just have emotion; we are also creatures that think. And so, we need to get curious about why it is that I’m feeling uncomfortable and kind of root out or vet out thoughts, and find out why it is that my emotion is the way that it is and what thoughts are supporting it, because emotion is secondary to thinking. And that’s how we change emotion, is that we change our thoughts.

And so, I encourage you to not be tricked to believe that “Because I feel a certain way and I’ve felt this way for years or decades, that it must be so, that this—whatever it is—must be the Truth.” That is just not accurate. You must understand and know your thoughts and scrutinize them, so that you can find Truth, you can find facts, objectivity to know the Truth about something or to know the Truth about yourself.

Too many of us are emotionally lazy and say, “Well, I feel dumb, or inadequate, or not enough, or uncoordinated, or better than, or I feel entitled to, and so therefore that’s the Truth.”

And it’s the end of their gathering information because I have this strong and intense feeling around this “thing” or state of being. So don’t fall into that snare. Be willing to be thoughtful and curious and look for the Truth because that’s where Reality is. And that is the only place to find connection, is inside Reality. And Reality also corresponds with Truth.

[00:15:37] Truths About Emotion

So, I want to give you some statements about emotion. Now, these are Truths about emotion. Emotion’s awesome. I think that it’s unfortunate that not everyone enjoys their emotion, even when it’s unpleasant, because emotion is—I think it’s a very fun thing to experience the feelings of emotion, even the things that are unpleasant, because it just animates everything. It’s kind of like it colors things in, it gives vibrato to experience. Experience is kind of dull if you just have the facts. But when you have emotion, it causes me—I mean, I start moving my hands around when I talk, and I point, and I get really animated when I feel emotion.

So, emotion is awesome and in order to be able to find Truth, you’ve got to look for the thoughts that proceed the emotion and get curious about those. But let me give you some Truths about emotion.

  • Your thoughts create your emotion. Your emotions are outcomes of your thoughts, of your perceptions—whether they be distorted or Truthful. Your emotions are outcomes of those perceptions, whether in distortion or Truth.
  • Whether your thoughts are in Truth or in distortion, you will feel corresponding emotions. Your emotions are not indicators of the Truth. We just got done talking about that.
  • If you choose to avoid uncomfortable or painful emotions (which means you’ll go into distortion) you will be unable to find the Truth. And the reason why that is, is because if you are unwilling to feel your emotions (and they’re unpleasant—because that’s why you’re not going to be willing to feel it), then you’ll never get curious about what you’re thinking. You’ll just feel the emotion and then shut it off, choose to avoid it, and never find out what the thought was or the thinking is that was supporting you to feel that discomfort.

So, rather choose to focus on clarifying what the Truth is—thinking Truthful thoughts—and you will experience the appropriate emotions, painful or pleasurable, that will teach you and raise your awareness. Isn’t that awesome? That if you’ll do that, you will raise your consciousness because you’re saying I want to know why I’m uncomfortable in this. What is that I’m thinking? Because maybe you’re uncomfortable because you’re buying into a distortion. Wouldn’t you want to know that? If you cut those emotions off, then you just keep the distorted thought in your head, you never change it, you never challenge it, because you no longer feel the discomfort—you’ve just avoided it.

So, here are some other Truths about feeling.

  • You disconnect from emotions by either suppressing them or letting them control you.
  • Some of you have been falsely taught that some emotions are bad, or wrong, or inappropriate to have. And some people have been taught that avoiding emotions is a good thing. But avoiding emotions only perpetuates and intensifies them. That is the Truth. By avoiding emotion, you will only perpetuate and intensify those.
  • We spend much of our life perfecting strategies of control to avoid painful and uncomfortable emotions, such as addictions, distractions, blame, avoidance, control, and denial. Some of us are really good at those things because we’re trying to control our emotions, particularly the ones we don’t want to have.
  • Another Truth about emotions is acknowledging emotion is an act of emotionally honesty. Verbalizing your feelings to another and being responsible for your feelings is you validating you. It says to yourself, I matter. I matter, I’m important. Sharing emotions in emotional honesty and personally responsibility creates connection in self and invites connections with others.
  • Another Truth: as you stay connected to your emotions in every experience, and have empathy for others’ emotions, you create connection, and peace within yourself, and with others, and with God or a Higher Power.
  • Last Truth about emotion. Notice when you feel more energy about telling your story than sharing your feelings. This can be a cue that you’re avoiding responsibility for your emotions. So, what that means is, is pay attention to why you’re trying to tell the story you are, and what your motive is for telling the story. Because if there’s not a lot of emotion inside your storyline, you might be trying to go into denial or trying to avoid your emotions. So, really pay attention that you are giving adequate emotion inside the stories that you tell—and I don’t mean stories like, you’re telling a lie, stories—I’m talking about just expressing your day, make sure that you give emotion. Like, as I’m sitting here talking to you, my other hand is moving around and I’m pointing to things because I have a whole bunch of emotion as I’m talking to you even though you can’t see me, it’s there. Hopefully you can feel it.

So, emotion is very, very important and it is a kind of a caboose to your thoughts. Your thoughts are really where you want to pay. I mean, you want to pay attention to both of them AND don’t just go with the emotion; always get curious about what it is that you are thinking.

Alright. So, be willing to be thoughtful, and curious, and look for the Truth, because that is where Reality is and that is the only place that you’re going to be able to find this outcome that we’re all looking for, which is called connection. From this position of looking for Truth and connection, it’s our obligation, it’s our responsibility to know us, to know what is affecting us, what is triggering us, what’s influencing us, what’s driving us, what’s scaring us, what’s threatening us. Or in other words, all of this time that we are spending engaging in (fill in the blank)—stuff—we are responsible to know what it is motivating us to choose the things that we do.

So, we’re always responsible to know what is the motivation for why it is that we’re choosing to engage in the things that we do.

There are two ways that we can choose. We can either choose Truth or we can choose distortion. But we’ve got to know our motives. I’m going to just share with you a quick definition of what motive is.

[00:23:23] What is Motive?

People might be saying, what is motive? Well, motive is this invitation—it invites me to choose in a particular direction, either in Truth or distortion. And knowing my motive, either in Truth or distortion, is about me becoming me aware of my distorted thoughts, my false beliefs, my drama positions, my denial, my fear, my control, my distractions, my lack of vulnerability. If I become aware of all that stuff, then I will know whether I’m choosing distortion or Truth. My motive, whether in distortion or Truth, is chosen by me through the private conversations I have within myself. And in those conversations that I have, not just the private ones but also the things that I do, it solidifies into my belief system, my perceptions, and ultimately, my behavior and action.

Watching or listening to someone and not understanding the why behind what they’re doing or saying, is the lack of understanding their motive. So we need to always understand our motives, and get curious about others’ motives before we react emotionally and behaviorally.

So, that’s what motive is. Motive is there from the beginning. Let’s say that I was a little baby and any time that I cried, I got yelled at. And so, as I grew up, I just don’t have access to my tears, I can’t cry. People are like why aren’t you crying, that was such a sad show? Or so-and-so and got sick, they’re close to dying, and I’m just shut off, I just don’t feel anything.

And I have no memory that that is what happened to me as a child, but I was taught from a very young kiddo that crying was “bad.” Now, I can heal that and I don’t have to go back and remember exactly what happened. However, I do need to be curious about what I feel when I watch other people emoting and I don’t have access to it. I need to go wow, why is it that I’m not feeling the same way they are? How come they’re all crying and I’m standing here just kind of numb? And this is one of my best friends, and they’re sick, and they’re in the hospital, and they could die, and I don’t feel anything for them. But I want to. And so, that’s me trying to get in touch with my motives, like, what’s driving me to not cry?

So, I’m always looking for Truth—like what’s the Truth? Versus, what’s distortion? So, when I live in Truth or I spend time in Truth, I invite connection into my life. And when I choose to live in distortion—whether it’s conscious or unconscious—I will go into disconnection. So, connection comprises being honest, being responsible for your feelings, your thoughts, your behaviors, practicing validation, being vulnerable, being open, willing, transparent, asking curious questions of myself and others. It involves sacrificing, and giving, and being empathic, and helpful, being aware and conscious, thoughtful, affirming of myself and others. I engage in self-care when I am looking for connection. I hold boundaries, I am assertive, I listen, I have compassion, I’m forgiving, I am willing to clean things up or repent. I surrender. That’s what connection looks like. Those are the characteristics of connection.

I’m going to read you a definition of what connection is. So, connection is the central spiritual, and emotional need of every human being. Connection is the ability to know yourself completely and to share yourself with yourself, with others, and with God or a Higher Power. Connection means being impeccably emotionally honest, assertive, responsible, humble, transparent, open, and vulnerable. It means asking and taking risks. It means sacrificing and genuinely giving to others. Overpouring love is the outcome of a lifestyle of connection.

The pathway to connection is impeccable emotionally honesty, rigorous personally responsibility and humility. Those who pursue this course overcome lusts, addictions, fears, false beliefs, distorted thoughts, selfishness, and find the fruits of love, empathy, vulnerability, compassion, personal empowerment, spiritual freedom, and connection.

So, connection is an outcome. It’s an outcome of living these characteristics that I just went through. So, that is one direction that you can choose, is to interpret your experiences through Truth, and what that will do is it will support you to have motives that are aligned with Principles of Truth. Because it’s not any more difficult to live in Truth rather than distortion. It’s just a matter of what are you going to choose?

[00:29:27] You Choose the Direction

So, the other direction is to live in disconnect or distortion. And the characteristics are as follows: you would choose to behave dishonestly, you would be irresponsible for your own feelings, your thoughts and behaviors. You would be invalidating if you were living in distortion or living in disconnect. You would blame, you’d hold secrets, you would hide, you’d be in denial, you’d manipulate, you’d act like a victim, you’d live in compliance, you’d create distractions, you’d control, you’d act superior, you’d act non-empathic, you would enable, you’d rescue, you’d live in self-denigration or self-adulation, you would not have boundaries, you’d be aggressive or passive-aggressive.

So, those are some of the characteristics that you would embody if you were spending the majority of your time, or a lot, or some time in disconnect.

So, the definition for disconnection is, as humans, we are naturally seeking ways to assuage pain. We do not like pain. We’re always trying to get away from it. we often try to ameliorate our emotional pain by using strategies that are full of distortion, distraction, control. These strategies cut off our emotions—they numb us until we cannot feel. This is called emotional disconnect. It’s emotional detachment from our emotional experiences. In this disconnected state, we cannot love, we cannot recognize Truth, and we cannot create emotional intimacy.

Disconnection is an ego-centric condition in which we tolerate ourselves and refuse to feel compassion. Disconnection is full of distraction and distortion, fear, anger, and shame. The antidote to disconnect is accepting your vulnerability and being responsible and honest for your emotions inside your experiences. That’s what it is.

So, knowing that your motive either lies in connection or disconnection. Now, it would be really easy if it was just pure. If it was one or the other. And unfortunately, that’s not the case. We’re way too complex for that. So, our motive at any moment can shift, so I can have a motive that has a lot of connection in it, a lot of Truth in it. And then, I find out additional information and all of a sudden, my motive turns to disconnect or distortion because I don’t like the information I just got, so I react to it.

So, it takes a soul who is incredibly conscious to pay attention to the emotions. I really lean on my emotions because my emotions are so close to the surface that I can feel when I’m going from one to the other. I mean, the emotions, when I’m in Truth just feel different, they just feel solid, they feel whole, they feel “right.”

Whereas, when I’m in disconnect, I often feel like I need to correct myself, I need to humble, I need to ask more questions, I can feel myself being self-denigrating or self-adulating. It’s really powerful. And so, not everybody has learned how to hook into their feelings like that, and you can. I mean, I didn’t use to be so attuned to my emotions like I am now. But I would encourage you to practice noticing your feelings because it will give you a ton of information around what you’re thinking.

If you don’t have access to your emotions like that, then check in with yourself often. Ask yourself: Why is that I’m doing this? or Why is that I’m feeling this way? or Why is that I reacted the way that I did? or How come I’m choosing to do what it is that I’m choosing to do? or Why is it that that person responded to me the way that they did, and why am I responding back the way that I am? Keep asking yourself those kinds of questions and it will give you information as to where you are and what is driving you—what your motives are.

[00:34:19] Examples of Connection Versus Disconnection

I want to read a handful of examples, so that you can get an idea of what a connected, honest, Truthful, Reality response would be to an experience, versus a disconnected, dishonest, in distortion, fearful response would be.

I’m going to juxtapose these—so I’m going to read connected first and then I’m going to read disconnected. So, remember, connected is about I’m honest, I’m responsible, I’m in The Truth, I’m in Reality. It’s a healthy response, and it says, I’m willing to be responsible for what’s going on. Versus disconnect is dishonest, distorted, it’s in fantasy, it’s unhealthy, and it’s I won’t be responsible. So, those are the two keys: connected is about I’m responsible, disconnected is about I’m not responsible or I won’t take responsibility.

Let’s look at the word control. Control. Let’s look at it from a place of connection first. Control is being completely responsible for oneself and choosing and acting from a place of appropriateness and personal honesty.

It’s saying I am responsible for me, and I’m going to show up appropriate and honest. So, here’s an example. Control in Truth. I’m in control of my own feelings and behavior and now I will choose to respond. No one else is culpable for my outcomes but me and I will take care of this. That’s an example of control in a place of connected, honest, Truthful, and responsible.

Here’s the definition of control in disconnect. Control is something, when I’m in disconnect, that is personally irresponsible, and aggressive or passive-aggressive towards self and others. It gets passive-aggressive or just aggressive and it says I’m not responsible.

Here’s the example: You must do it this way or it won’t work. It’s your fault that this thing happened. That’s a very victim statement, it’s very aggressive, like, you must do it this way or it won’t work.

Now, there might be something that you have to do it this way or it won’t work, and we’re using that statement from a place of control. Control in distraction. There are other ways that we can make this thing work, but this person’s like, nope, this is the only way it can work, and it’s your fault if this thing doesn’t happen.

So, let’s look at the word pain. The definition of pain in Truth says this: one type of pain is inevitable, and necessary, and very appropriate because once it’s experienced, this pain is there to humble us, and help teach us, and help us stay open for change and growth. This type of pain is presented as we experience life’s events. This type of pain occurs as we have experiences that are out of our control. Out of our control.

Here’s an example of pain in Truth. This is inevitable pain—things that are outside of our control. I woke up to my neighbor at the door yelling at me that my cat was killed by coyotes last night. I woke up to my neighbor yelling, I guess they were upset and telling me that my cat was killed by coyotes. That’s inevitable pain.

Or, I worked for a solid year to get this promotion and it was not granted to me. That’s inevitable pain.

Or my daughter is in labor and I’m stuck in traffic. Inevitable pain.

Here’s pain in distortion. Here’s the definition: Another type of pain comes from distorted fear and is optional, reactionary, and full of distortion. It is the pain that we choose to enter into when we perceive or interpret that something or someone is hurting or harming us. This perceived offense could be connected to a physical, spiritual, emotional, financial, social, sexual, or legal situation. Once I perceive it as a viable threat, I attempt to control the illusion or I try to control the person, or the thing—in an attempt to control the discomfort that my perception states is going to be present. I attempt to control vulnerability, and the emotions I feel, and the distorted thoughts I’m being invited to believe, and my perception of what is coming towards me. It is all an illusion to invite me into inappropriate control.

Here’s some examples of that.

  • “You distracted me and I overfilled the gas tank. I got gas all over me and the car. It’s your fault.” So, you can hear that optional pain, that distorted pain. I’m blaming them. I’m acting in a very self-adulating way.
  • Here’s another example. “If you were as smart as me, you wouldn’t have to study as much as you do”. So, again, I’m this person saying I’m better than you. If you were as smart as me, you wouldn’t have to study so much.
  • “You are always breaking commitments. You are always breaking commitments.” That’s an exaggeration. It’s kind of like self-adulating.
  • This person in optional pain says, “What is wrong with me?” So, they’re in this like victim spot, this self-denigrating spot, really attacking themselves.
  • And then, the last one is, “I never have enough time.” It’s like, poor me, I never have enough time, this isn’t fair.

Let’s look at a couple of others. Let’s look at the word weak. There’s a bunch of words that, if we understand their meanings, they can be used in both directions. The word weak can be seen as a humble characteristic, a vulnerable and teachable characteristic. Or it can be seen as incapable, less than, and not enough.

So, here’s the example of weak in connection: This person is saying, “I need help, I am not proficient at this. I’m not able to do what I need to do.”

Or weak in distortion, it says, “I shouldn’t have to do this or I shouldn’t have to miss this. I shouldn’t have to (fill in the blank),”—I shouldn’t have to miss it, I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t need help. There’s all these things that says I shouldn’t have to.

“You’re such a pansy, you’re such a wuss, why can’t you do that on your own?” It’s another comment in this distracted position of the term weak.

Let’s look at the word enabling. Enabling can mean to make something easier in appropriate and Truthful ways. Or enabled could mean to cushion, or pad, or coddle, or prevent consequences for someone.

So, there’s Truth and there’s also distortion.

Here’s an example of Truth or connection for enabling:

  • “Would you appreciate some assistance? It looks like you need another person’s hand.” So, the person’s saying hey, can I help you out? It looks you need some help. They’re trying to enable someone.
  • Or here’s another example. I love doing acts of service, it’s so fun to watch people light up when they experience the gift we left.
  • Another example. “I will make you lunch for this week because I know you are spending your time studying for finals.”

Those are all examples of healthy, honest enabling. Here’s disconnected enabling:

  • “Get up, it’s time for work,” she says to her 23-year-old spouse. So, she’s waking him up and telling him to get to work.
  • Here’s another example. “I don’t want to say anything that will hurt their feelings.” Can you hear the enabling? Like, I can’t say anything because it will hurt their feelings. I will enable their feelings to be hurt. Those two examples are both in disconnect.
  • Here’s the third one. “I know I find this in their room but I don’t want them to feel like I was snooping around.” So, another example of enabling in distortion.

Let’s look at the word manipulate. That one’s a fun one. Manipulate in Truth means to handle, manage, or use, especially with skill. Here’s the example. I’m going to manipulate the air conditioner so it’s more comfortable in here.

Or in distortion, manipulate can be interpreted as deceptive, hiding one’s motives, and attempting to control someone to do what you want them to do. Here’s the example. The hairdresser manipulated Ron by telling him that the mistake she made was actually intentional, and was the very latest style. Like, whoops!

So, there are many other examples. I have a handful more.

  • Let’s look at the word nice. Here’s an example of nice in connection. Wow, a gift certificate for $50 to buy groceries, and it’s anonymous. So, that was somebody being very in Truth, being nice, being kind, in Truth.
  • Here’s another one. Thank you for confronting me for my selfish behavior and telling me I was affecting you. It’s loving to me and towards you.
  • Here’s another one. You were very kind to give me the last piece of pie.

Here’s nice and kind in distortion. Here it comes, here’s some examples:

  • “I know I keep overdrafting my account, and you are so kind to always waive the fees.” That is someone in distortion saying you’re really nice not holding me accountable, you’re really kind not holding me accountable, because I don’t want the consequences.
  • Here’s another example. “You are so nice and so self-sacrificing to let me cut in front of you in line.”
  • Here’s another one. “Thanks for not telling, you’re so kind.” So, thanks for keeping a secret for me and lying for me. You’re so kind. Those are all in distortion.

Here’s another one. Helping and rescuing. This is in Truth.

  • “Do you need support? How would you like me to assist you?” That’s someone who deliberately is saying, I want to ask you what it is that you need and you can tell me what you need, so they’re being very conscious and they’re being very connected.
  • Another example. “It appears that you are in a bind. Can we discuss what might be helpful?” These questions. Instead of somebody just taking over, they’re saying, you appear that you need help, how can I help you?

Here’s helping and rescuing in distortion.

  • “I’m getting tired of always being out of things.”—like being left out of things. So, this person says that, and they’re saying to somebody, please someone rescue me, someone come in and make me feel a part of things. I’m getting tired of always being out of things, like being left out of things. It’s just this plea for someone to come in and control them.
  • Or here’s another one. “Mom, you’re the best. You are so loving because whenever I’m in a spot, I can always count on you to get me out.” So, mom, thanks so much for rescuing me, I don’t have to be responsible for my own choices. Whenever I’m in a situation, you can always get me out of it.

So, those are some examples of what connection and Truth actually look like, and distortion and disconnection look like. I wanted to read them side-by-side so you could hear the distinct difference between those words, even though the words are spelled the same and you say them the same, depending on your motive—your motive—whether it’s in connection or disconnection, the outcomes will either be in Truth or distortion.

That is the whole motive of this podcast, is to help you understand that everything you do is being driven by a motive, and those motives are either in the Truth or they’re in a distortion, and it’s your responsibility to know when you’re in one and when you’re in the other. And when you’re in distortion, it is then your responsibility to reframe that distortion and move out of it into the Truth, and that’s where your Truth declarations come in.

And if you don’t know what a Truth declaration is, then listen to the podcast, it’s podcast number 70, called Truth Declarations, and that will teach you how to move from distortion into the Truth.

So, as you can see, everything, everything we do, everything we think, we act, we feel comes back to this place of motive, and our motives are either in one of those two places. It’s either in Reality or fantasy. It’s either in honesty or in dishonesty. It’s either in responsibility or irresponsibility. It’s in humility or pride. Everything. Everything connects back to that, I’m either being selfish or I’m being self-caring.

So, stop yourself and think. All the things that you are doing are coming from your thoughts. How well do you know your thoughts? What do you think and why do you think the things you do? What side of the spectrum are your thoughts going to?

So, what I would do is I would make a sheet and write the word connection at the top of the sheet and then on the other side, write disconnection. So, it’s like the headers. Connection and then put a line down the middle of the page and then disconnection. And list all the characteristics that make up both categories. Are you willing to slow yourself down and become introspective and know you? Are you willing to do that? Know your motive.

If you know your motive, then you can use your agency, your choice, to choose consciously, and deliberately, and deliberately, which will bear fruits of connection, which is peace, calm, awareness, feeling relaxed, having wisdom, being curious, validating, having compassion, and living in Reality, being at one with Truth, and with God. And everything is pure and connected.

When you know those kinds of motives and you can use your choice really deliberately, you can have those kinds of outcomes. So, know yourself. Know your motive. Use your agency wisely and consciously. Every choice has power in it. Every single one of them. Some people will come in and say, “well that was just a little choice.” And it’s like no, every choice is full of power. And that power in those choices will either connect you or disconnect you. And you are at the helm of every choice you make. So be responsible, be humble, and be honest, and have the outcomes of connection.

Bye bye.

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